Taking silly pictures on Deirdre's last night!

Hello Goodbye

On Saturday three of the volunteers who arrived the same day that I did finished their program and left for home...The house has felt really quiet and lonely in their absence.  Even though five doesn’t seem like a lot less than eight, it really has changed the whole dynamic.  Two of the five that are still here have been really sick so Lauren and I ended up eating the first meal after Kate, John and Deirdre left alone and it was so sad!

Hellos have always been easier for me than goodbyes.  I love the excitement and anticipation that accompanies the prospect of meeting new people.  There’s also something very fleeting about saying hello, you can really only meet someone once and then they are forever in your life regardless of whether you see them again or not.  All the people we say hello to turn up again in a memory, a fleeting thought, a friend on facebook, a travel companion, or a lifelong confidant.  There are so many possibilities with a hello and regardless if they are awkward or uncomfortable or perfect they are so fleeting that there’s never anything to fear.

But goodbyes are always awful (for me anyway).  Even if they’re a happy goodbye, with all the promise to meet again every goodbye leaves me with a pit in my stomach for a few days because there is always the possibility that they could be permanent.  Goodbyes linger, and after they’re over the reality of them hit you when you’re least expecting it and you end up having to deal with all those feelings all over again.  Goodbyes can be sad, tearful, highly anticipated, or dreaded but no matter what kind they always mean that a distance will be created and no matter what I or anyone does that distance eats away at the relationship that had been building from that first hello.  

The five other volunteers that I came into Bagamoyo with on
Deirdre, John, and Kate's last night.

I can’t believe that I’m already halfway through my volunteer program and watching the three other volunteers leave made me realize how euphoric life has been here because it has been filled with so many hellos but as I hit the halfway point more and more of my time will be occupied with goodbyes.  I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to say goodbye to the children in my class.  As part of the orientation we went through a long talk about how we all have to be really careful not to create bonds that favor any of the children over others.  The staff explained that by showing favoritism we won’t be doing those kids any favors but in fact might be hindering them.  Children in Tanzania grow up extremely fast, examples of this are everywhere, children washing clothes at age 5, babies taking care of babies, children as young as 7 walking for miles to get to school by themselves.

But what I failed to realize during these talks was that creating strong bonds wasn’t going to crush my kids, but rather me.  Kids are flexible, they can bend and bruise and bounce back skills that we lose as we get older.  And I’m screwed.  I love all the kids but there are some that I can’t actually envision leaving.  What will happen to Ilham?  And the little three year old that is content to be held in my arms for the two hours while I’m teaching the older kids?  Or the little boy who never smiles except when I go around and give all the kids a high-five when we successfully finish a lesson?  Even when I don’t mean to I always end up letting people into my life that it is impossible not to say goodbye to and after every single one I’m crushed.  Boy oh boy do I hate goodbyes.